my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
