I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
