dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
