How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
