We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
