I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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