i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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