You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Randomize
