I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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