Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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