Pappa wants mamma naked
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
