I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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