I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
