I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
