I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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