Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
