i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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