How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
