i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
