Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
