Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
