Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
