I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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