Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
