I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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