Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
