If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
