Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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