oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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