just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
