Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
