so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
