Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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