i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
