she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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