Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
