My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
