So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
