spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
