booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
