New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
