2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
