You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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