I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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