FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
