i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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