I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
