i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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