filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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