Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
