The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just had sex on a roof
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
