sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
